A Series of Unfortunate Events

As some readers may know, I run a 2e campaign, in which a friend Kaye playes an unfortunate soul by the name of Torvalds.  Both myself and Ark at Rather Gamey have blogged about him several times.  If this is all new to you Take a minute to catch up if you'd like.

Don't worry, I'll wait.

So after a series of (mis)adventures, Torvalds finally made 5th level, and decided to learn the spell Summon Familiar.  In typical Torvalds fashion, he did not read the fine print on the spell.  In 2nd edition, there's a random chart for everything, including the type of familiar you get when you get the spell.  So rather than getting something cool/useful such as a bat, black cat, raven, weasel etc.  Torvalds get's a Toad.  As he contemplates killing the Toad and trying again, only then does he decide to read the fine print - the death of the Toad would be traumatic to it's owner, to say the least - he would have to make a system shock roll - fail and die, pass and lose 1 point of Constitution.  Tempting as it was to roll the dice, he decided to stick with the Toad.

You would think that this would be the end of the story, but no.  It got worse.

After vanquishing an Elder Mummy, a Lesser Mummy and their summoned Earth Elemental, the party was looting their stuff when they came across the bane of all 2e DMs - The Deck of Many Things.  I contemplated fudging the roll, but I have been a stickler for the dice roll what they roll, so I stuck with it.  The fighter drew his card, and got 2 points added to his Strength.  The Dwarven Priest drew and was granted an 18 Charisma and a small keep.  The Dwarven Thief lost his soul - oops!.  The Half-Yeti Barbarian Reaver (don't ask), was given 10,000 XP or 2 more draws from the deck, took the 2 draws, gaining the service of a 4th level fighter, and an 18 Charisma.  Oh, and the keep, too.

All eyes turn to Kaye, who asked to go last.  His first draw caused him to lose his soul.  His and the thief's souls were banished to one of the Seven Hells, where they were leapt upon by Dev- er, excuse me Baatezu, and tormented.  Their nights would be tormented by dreams of their souls in unending torment until they undertook a quest to regain them. 

You would think that this would be the end of the story, but no.  It got worse.

The Dark Powers offered each of them another draw from the deck, in exchange for 10,000 XP.  Kaye jumped on it, and made the deal.  Unfortunately, the 10,000 XP dropped his level, which meant he no longer had access to the Find Familiar Spell.  Which meant his Toad died.  Which meant he was in extreme pain, and likely to die.  He did pass the System Shock roll, but lost a point in Constitution for his trouble.

You would think that this would be the end of the story, but no.  It got worse.

His next draw caused him to be stripped of all his wealth and real property, including his spellbook.  He still had all the spells he had memorized that morning, but once they were burned, he would have no access to any spells until he got a new spellbook.

At this point we were all laughing helplessly, as poor Kaye stared glumly at his character sheet.  "You're pretty much a crappy fighter now!", the Fighter cheerily piped up.

You would think that this would be the end of the story, but no.  It got worse.

Torvalds pled with the Dark Powers for one more draw, offering up still more XP (not enough to drop him another level, though), and in the spirit of the magnifying glass looming above the ant, his cries were heard, his wish granted.  His first draw got him 2 more draws or 10,000 XP, but like any good compulsive gambler, Torvalds doubled down, drawing twice more. 

The table was silent as we all waited to see what new horrible things the Deck would do to Torvalds.  Much to our disappointment, there was a brief glimmer of hope with his first draw, which granted him 50,000 XP and a Miscellaneous Magical Item.  "Things are looking up!" he cried.  But then, proving that the Dark Powers have a sense of humor, his next draw was the Donjon - You Are Imprisoned.

Poor Torvalds never got to find out what Magical Item he got, as it was stripped from him, along with the rags he had been offered after previously losing everything.  He currently languishes somewhere, contemplating his folly, wondering where it all went so wrong.

"Maybe you're imprisoned in the same place as your soul?" the Fighter offered helpfully.

You would think that this would be the end of the story, and you would be right - that's as bad as it gets.

Next session, Kaye will be debuting his new character.  No doubt it will be more fun for him to play, but I can honestly say that I, and the rest of the party, will miss poor Torvalds.  Let's all take a moment of silence to reflect on the passing of the Best Character Kaye Has Ever Played.

I was reminded of the strip below, so I leave you with it.